


Broken Edges Make Us Better

by TygraSol



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 12:21:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14832174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TygraSol/pseuds/TygraSol
Summary: A modern AU based on true life events. Trigger warning: Some topics discussed in this storyline might be considered borderline abuse. There are also references to anxiety, depression, a brief mention of suicidal thoughts, birth complications, life-threatening childhood diseases, and neurological disorders. If these things bother you, I strongly advise skipping this fanfic.





	Broken Edges Make Us Better

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a lot different from the others I will be posting here. I already have several works on fanfiction.net, and this is the first I've cross-posted here, but I will be posting my others in the near future. This isn't so much a fanfic as it is a private confession. I wrote this for me. Everything in this piece is based on the very real, personal experiences between me and my husband. It is not a 100% accurate portrayal, elements of the story obviously being changed to fit the narrative of a parentless Rey and a strained relationship between Ben and his family. That being said, the majority of the details I've written down are true. I honestly thought I'd be too afraid to be so open about this, but I feel like it's important to share your experiences with others.
> 
> I want to stress that I come from a background of emotional abuse. My husband and I have struggled a lot to get to the point we're at now. The main theme of this story is a reflection of a real incident that happened in our own home recently. Writing my own story helps me to process and understand myself better as a human being. I understand this may not be for everyone, so I want to make things clear.
> 
> OFFICIAL TRIGGER WARNING: If you have ever been a victim of emotional or verbal abuse, this fanfic may stir up some bad memories and might not be for you. If you have ever lost a child or have been through a life-threatening situation with your child, this fanfic may not be for you. If you struggle with anxiety and depression and are easily triggered by emotional portrayals reminiscent of personal experiences, this fanfic is most likely not for you. If talking about special needs and the challenges of raising a child who is not considered neurotypical make you uncomfortable, than this fanfic is not for you and you should move along.
> 
> I am the proud mother of a sensory child. Our family has a unique life circumstance and our day to day interactions reflect that. We do not condone abuse of any kind, and I assure you, any displays of a lack of self-control that could be misconstrued as an indicator of anger problems or possible abuse are not reflective of our reality. You are getting a condensed highlight reel of some of our more vulnerable experiences throughout our lives together. I can count on one hand the number of times we've truly had a fight that bordered on getting out of hand, during our ten years of marriage.
> 
> I am aware this is quite lengthy for a one-shot, but I felt this needed to be written, even if it never gets any views. It's not as polished as my other works, but I did my best to convey things in a powerful way. Thank you for being patient with me and humoring my long-winded notes. Enjoy the story.

**Broken Edges Make Us Better**

 

It was never easy, but things were easier before kids, she thinks. When it was just them. When they weren’t responsible for the lives of tiny humans. When the only ones they had to worry about feeding and clothing was themselves. Before value size boxes of diapers and buying more clothes every month because they hit a growth spurt again. Before pediatric appointments and shots and late nights followed by early mornings. Things were simpler. They didn’t argue about money. They didn’t fight about who was more exhausted. They didn’t nitpick about how to get the chores done, and in which order. They didn’t fret over whether or not they would be late for the millionth time, because no matter how early they started getting ready to go, someone would always have a meltdown, diaper emergency, make a mess all over the kitchen floor, or any number of mind-boggling catastrophes. Murphy’s law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Nothing’s every truly wrong. It’s just hard. It’s not as easy or simple anymore. She remembers when it was just them. When all they did was love. And when they fought, it was quickly resolved without screaming and slamming doors. They never went to bed angry. They never felt unheard. They had always promised to be better than the past they came from. For almost a decade now, since they got married, they have lived by that code. And once they began to create their happy little family, they vowed to be better for their kids. I will not cut my children on my broken edges. That was their mantra. It was all they ever needed. But somewhere along the way, things just got hard. It was never easy. But they were struggling now. And today, the thing she feared most was rearing its ugly head.

The most important promise they had made above all others was that they would never leave. Neither one of them would be alone. Never again. As she lay in her bed, sobbing softly, she wondered if they were finally broken beyond repair. If they couldn’t get through one more bad day, after all these years, she wasn’t sure she could keep going anymore. She knew if he ever left her, she would never recover. She would never feel alive again. Right now, all she wanted to do was disappear. She could just fall asleep and never wake up. They would be better off without her, she thought. She wouldn’t constantly fail as a wife and mother. And if he no longer wanted her… if he was done working through the rough days and staying by her side, even through the fights… well. Not existing would be much better than being alone.

 

* * *

 

Their oldest, her sweet little jewel, had been the perfect baby. Always happy, sleeping through the night, rarely ever sick, and was always eager to please her parents. Rey remembered the first time Ben held her in the hospital. He was so careful, afraid to drop her. All he could do was stare at her, marveling at her rosy little cheeks and tiny, puckered lips. Rey was quick to snap a picture of them together, as he held her bitty little head in the palm of one hand, his other supporting her small body. He had meant to give her a gentle eskimo kiss or press his forehead to hers in a sweet gesture. But that little rascal found the tip of his nose with her mouth, startling him as she suckled and cooed, as though she knew exactly what reaction he would have. This one liked to play games, and she was mischievous, just like her mom. He’d been wrapped around her tiny fingers ever since.

They had a rough go at the start. Neither one of them had any idea of what to expect. Ben visible paled when the anesthesiologist entered the room with the epidural needle. Rey immediately channeled her husband’s unease. But he was quick to recover and help her sit up, holding her hand and keeping her eyes focused on him so she wouldn’t think about whatever was being pushed into her back. It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep after the anesthesiologist was done. The epidural hit nearly instantly. She slept for hours, only vaguely aware of Ben and his parents conversing somewhere in the room when she slipped in and out of consciousness. And then, the time came for her to push. He held her the whole time, massaging her shoulders and encouraging her to breathe. It took about twenty minutes from the time she started pushing til they finally heard their baby take her first breaths and cry out. The nurses took her to the incubator a few feet away and began to clean her up. Ben got up and left Rey long enough to stand near their baby, waiting for her to be swaddled so he could hand her to her mother.

But she didn’t get to hold her. Something was wrong. Rey was freezing. So much so that her bones were hurting. She began to shake violently, her teeth chattering. The doctor was still attending to her, and she didn’t seem happy. The next thing she knew, they were taking her baby to the nursery. Rey thought the baby was unwell and she began to panic. Where are they taking her? What’s wrong with my baby? Is she going to be ok? What’s going on? The doctor quickly assured her that their baby was fine. But the look on Ben’s face did not reassure her that everything was ok. She was still losing blood. The doctor couldn’t stop the bleeding. She begged for blankets, she was so cold. They put several over her, but it wasn’t enough. She pleaded for more, but they told her they already had the equivalent of twenty layers on her as the blankets were heated, and they could not legally give her any more. She stared up at Ben with tears in her eyes, confused and scared by what was happening. He held on to her tightly as the doctor told one of the nurses they may need to prepare the OR.

A couple of minutes passed by, the doctor working diligently as she waited to hear back from the nurse about the OR status. She finally managed to stop the bleeding before the nurse came back. They wouldn’t be needing to move her after all. Everyone was relieved that she was no longer in danger. The rest of her stay in the hospital was relatively uneventful. They spent hours together, Ben carefully squeezing into the cramped hospital bed to hold Rey, as they stared contently at their daughter, cradled in Rey’s arms. Their lives had never felt more complete than in that moment when they realized they were no longer just a couple, but a family. For them, this was just the beginning. This was life. This was love. And it was theirs forever.

 

* * *

 

 

Their second child was a boy. They were elated to have a son. He was already their pride and joy, and Ben couldn’t be more thrilled. The birth had been more difficult than anticipated. The anesthesiologist had difficulty giving her the epidural. Every time he tried to insert the needle, he would hit a nerve that sent a shooting pain down her spine into her leg. She cried into Ben’s chest when they said she may not be able to have the epidural after all. Ben told her it would be ok, they didn’t have to try again if she was in pain. But after a few minutes of him soothing her, she told him she wanted to try one last time. He held her hand tightly and on the third try they finally managed to get it. Little did she know that she would spend the next year waking from nightmares and having phantom pains from such a traumatic experience.

The doctor grew worried when Rey was struggling to push once the time came. Now several hours in to active labor, this was becoming a much lengthier labor than with her daughter. She panicked when the doctor told her to stop pushing. The cord had wrapped around their son’s neck. Ben was right there, holding her hand, caressing her cheek and brushing her hair back. He’d whispered into her ear, attempting to keep her calm as she trembled and cried. It was ok. Everything would be ok, they were in good hands. She just needed to let the doctor do her job. Don’t tense up, sweetheart. Relax. That’s our boy. He’s strong. He’s a fighter. You’re doing great. In a matter of seconds, the cord was moved, and he was out, safe and sound. She heard his little warrior screams renting the air. He had strong lungs. Ben kissed her over and over again, and they held him together for the first time. Their little family had grown from three to four, and not a thing in the world could rip away their happiness.

But that all began to change, when their son turned six months old. It was meant to be a normal check-up. Ben was at work, and Rey was having a productive day. She’d been proud of how well she was able to juggle a rambunctious toddler and a demanding infant on her own. It’s true, things were tougher now. The baby did not have his big sister’s easy-going disposition. He was fussy more often than not. Colic, they thought. He ate constantly and still always seemed to be hungry. The only way to soothe him through the night was to rock him gently while standing in the bathroom, lights off, and the faucet running. Leia had suggested putting him in his carrier on top of their dryer and giving him gas drops, but nothing else worked except for the dark bathroom and running faucet. It became a nightly ritual, Ben and Rey taking turns to stand with him.

He was an otherwise, healthy baby. He was small, but she didn’t think there was anything wrong as long as he had a healthy appetite and didn’t get sick. So, when their check-up took twice as long, and the pediatrician asked Rey to wait in the exam room while she went to go get some paperwork, she began to feel on edge. Something was not right. She stared blankly into space, barely registering the doctor’s words after she was told they would be having her take him to the nearby hospital to be admitted immediately. Failure to thrive. Only a few pounds above his birth weight. Possibly allergic to her breast milk, or simply not getting enough. She called Ben’s mom crying as she headed to their house to drop off their daughter. How did she miss it? Was she really that stupid not to realize he was too tiny for his age? That he could barely hold his own head up when her daughter was already beginning to crawl at the same age? Leia assured her everything would be just fine as she took her granddaughter out of her car seat. They waved goodbye and Rey did her best to stop crying as she drove to the hospital. Ben left work early to meet her there while they were still waiting to be admitted.

  
Ten days. Ten awful, nerve-wracking days. She never left his side, not even to rest. They ran so many tests and tried switching him to three different kinds of formula. But he wasn’t spitting up food. He didn’t have reflux. She cried with him when they prodded him with needles and set up an IV. Nobody should ever have to go through so many painful and scary procedures when they’re so tiny. The first thing they came across was an abnormality on his CT scan. There were lesions on the base of his brain. The doctors told Ben and Rey that the lesions were speeding up his metabolism so much, that he was burning off more calories than he could take in and would continue to lose weight if they couldn’t come up with a solution. The cord wrapping around his neck at birth seemed to be the most likely cause for the lesions.

That wasn’t the worst of the news, however. One of the tests they ran was a sweat test, which came back positive for Cystic Fibrosis. The doctor was very blunt. Once the test is positive, it’s always positive. There are no false positives or negatives. Their boy would spend the rest of his life in and out of hospitals. They would have to take extra precautions for things as simple as a common cold. He would only live into his early twenties. Ben held Rey as she cried for what seemed like hours. His parents brought their daughter to visit her brother. A hospital volunteer from a nearby church asked if she could pray over their boy. They agreed. It couldn’t hurt. By the eighth day, he had begun gaining weight and was able to lift his head and rock on his knees, something he’d not been able to do before. They demanded that the doctors re-run every test. Everyone was baffled by the results. The new CT scan showed no lesions at all. The sweat test came back negative. He started crawling on day nine and was steadily gaining weight.

When they were finally released, he was the picture of health. The next few years were good for all of them. Ben got transferred for work to a new city. They would be moving over four hundred miles away from his parents. Rey was nervous, but she knew they had each other to lean on and they would be ok. Not long after their son’s third birthday, they started noticing a change. He would have meltdowns and was terrified of bright lights and loud noises. It didn’t take long to start visibly seeing that one of his eyes was beginning to cross of its own accord. They discovered he had an eye turn and needed glasses. His odd behaviors stopped for several months after that and they chocked it up to his poor vision. About a year later, though, the behavior came back stronger. By this point, they had their youngest, another boy, and Leia suggested it might be regression, that he was jealous of the new baby and all the attention being taken away from him. She also reminded them that he was also the middle child, and it’s quite common for middle children to feel left out. Rey had a gut feeling that there was more going on though. They finally got him diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder when he was five. It changed their lives forever.

 

* * *

 

Their third child was born three years and eleven days after their firstborn son. Rey was afraid of how Ben would react when she first discovered she was pregnant again. They hadn’t been trying for another child, and everyone had been sick with the flu the week before she had it confirmed. She wasn’t feeling better by the time everyone else was, she was constantly fatigued and still squeamish. Ben was the one who actually suggested she might be pregnant, half-jokingly, but she blew it off as prolonged after effects from the flu. It wasn’t until a friend encouraged her to take a test while Ben was at work later that week, and she finally decided to do it just to ease her mind. Her immediate reaction was shock, followed by anxiety and fear. After her first two labors, she was terrified of what might happen.

Ben kissed her deeply when she built up the courage to tell him. He told her how much he loved her, and that he was the happiest man in the world to have such a beautiful wife to be the mother of his children. He assured her everything would be ok and that he would take care of her throughout her pregnancy. He made sure she didn’t have to hardly lift a finger while he was at home. It took a while, but with Ben’s constant support, and his parents expressing their excitement for another grandchild, she eventually began to feel enthusiastic about having a baby in the house again. She secretly hoped for another girl, a sentiment shared with her daughter, who was tired of having a brother. Ben said he would be happy either way. Their son insisted they were having a dragon baby.  
They travelled back to their hometown to stay with Ben’s parents, who offered to help with the kids while Rey was in the hospital. They arrived a week before her due date, and she began having contractions while they were still on the road. They were very close, but the hospital turned them away three days in a row because her water never broke on its own. Finally, on the fourth day, they managed to get a hold of her old OB, who would be delivering for her again, and she demanded that the hospital admit her immediately. She was terrified of what might happen with the epidural, but Ben helped keep her calm and the process went much smoother this time around. The anesthesiologist was able to get everything done on the first try, and there were no shooting pains.

Things were going well when she first started pushing, but that didn’t last for long. Labor complications had become a well-versed pattern for her. She knew she shouldn’t have been so surprised. She started developing an infection and fever, and the baby’s heartbeat was slowing. He was going into distress, according to the nurse. The doctor made the decision to give her an emergency c-section. She had a panic attack, but Ben and his mom were both there with her. Leia explained exactly what was going to happen and helped calm her down. The doctor gave her an oral medication on top of adding something into her epidural. Ben stayed by her side as they brought her into the OR. They began the procedure, but Rey kept feeling like she would pass out, though she never fully did. It was such a miserable feeling, and she was incoherent and confused. She begged Ben to help her, she just wanted to fall into unconsciousness and couldn’t handle the overwhelming sensation, complaining that she couldn’t breathe enough air into her lungs. It didn’t last for long, though, and they successfully delivered a healthy baby boy. He had to spend a few hours in the NICU for monitoring, just to be safe. They wanted to make sure his heartrate was normal and that he didn’t develop an infection.

  
Once they were released from the hospital, they stayed with Ben’s parents for a week before travelling back home. They had been through so much in less than six years of marriage and fix years of parenthood. It was hard to believe that they’d only know each other for seven and a half years, and neither one of them could ever have fathomed what their future held together. Despite all the trials they had to go through to get here, they were still in love as if they had just fallen for each other. This is what it meant to find your soulmate. To fall head over heels in a whirlwind of emotions and romance, get married and quickly start a family with the person you knew you were destined to spend the rest of your life with. All the troubles and obstacles in between were beyond worth it to fully commit to an all-consuming love sealed by fate. Everything was still theirs forever. That would never change. Forever was more than enough.

 

* * *

 

She lay under the covers, curled into herself like a frightened child. Weeping silently, her chest felt pained and her throat was raw with unheard cries. This was certainly one of their darker days. They’d had some nasty fights in their time, almost a decade of marriage to prove it. But this. This was so much worse. Fighting was part of life. She knew that. And they both had their fair share of stress and pressure to break them. But they always held true to their promises at the end of the day. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t leave things unresolved. Don’t cut our children with our own broken edges. Never leave. Tonight, they had broken half of those promises, and she was losing hope that they would recover this time.

The more she thought about it, the more she cried. She could see their whole lives together up to this point. Every sick day she’d ever had, when Ben had taken care of her. All the times he held her hair back as she leaned over the toilet, retching violently. Every 2am trip he made without complaint to fulfill whatever ridiculous craving was keeping her awake that night. The back massages and foot rubs and how understanding he was when she wanted so badly to have sex, only to change her mind when they had barely begun foreplay, because she suddenly felt too sick to do anything she wanted to do for him.

He had always been her rock and her safe place. He never judged her for not being at her best all the time. She’d dealt with insomnia, anxiety, and even post-partum depression, though they didn’t realize it at the time. She remembered the night when their daughter was just a few months old. Her breasts were in so much pain thanks to her chapped, cracked nipples, and she was feeling particularly self-conscious about her body that day. Ben had just gotten home after a ten-hour shift at work, and she hadn’t even started dinner yet. He made a comment about how tired he was and that he had been looking forward to a decent meal. He hadn’t really been upset or disappointed, but she immediately put up her defenses and screamed at him to make his own damn dinner, because she was exhausted too and couldn’t pretend to be a perfect ‘50s housewife for him all the time. About an hour later, she apologized, and he insisted it wasn’t her fault, he was the one who should be apologizing. They were both under a lot of stress and she shouldn’t be expected to live in the kitchen every single day of the week just for him.

It seemed like things had been fixed, and they could enjoy the rest of the evening. Ben didn’t have to be at work the next day, so after putting the baby to bed, they settled in on the couch to watch a movie. Ben had fallen asleep a little over half way through, but Rey didn’t mind as she sat snuggled up next to him with his arm protectively around her. When she finally turned the TV off, she woke him up, so they could get ready for bed. Once they’d gotten through their night-time routine of brushing teeth, stripping out of regular clothes and slipping into comfy pajamas, they slid under the sheets and cuddled. Rey had been missing him all day and was feeling very needy, as she attempted to rouse Ben with kisses and nibbles. He moaned softly, pressing his lips against her forehead and wrapping her tighter in his arms. She slid her hand down past the waistline of his boxers and began to rub him teasingly as she nipped at his earlobe. But instead of giving in to her, he gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from him, resting her hand against his chest instead. “Not tonight, sweetheart,” he’d said. “It’s too late and I’m exhausted. Go to sleep.”

He passed out less than a minute later, but Rey was now wide awake, offended and angry. She began postulating absurd theories in her head about why he wouldn’t want her, refusing to believe he was just too tired. She’d been up longer than he had over the past week, waking at night lately because their daughter had begun teething early on. Her breasts looked and felt like a war zone, and they hadn’t had sex in almost three weeks. She was beginning to think the extra baby weight she was still carrying was the real reason he didn’t seem to be interested in her anymore. He must think she was disgusting now, with all the stretch marks, leaky boobs, and unsightly love handles. She wondered if he was purposely staying at work to avoid coming home to her as much as possible. Of course, all of this was ridiculous, but her hormones were so out of sync and she was incredible sleep deprived and emotionally drained, she couldn’t see just how silly it all sounded.

So, she did what she was always used to doing before they met, when life got too hard for her. She ran. She grabbed her keys and a light jacket, and quietly slipped out of their apartment, leaving her slumbering husband and baby behind, blissfully unaware. She sat in the driver’s seat with the car idling for a good ten minutes, bawling her eyes out. What was she doing? What was wrong with her? Why was she being like this? She didn’t know the answer to any of these things, but she felt so helplessly trapped by some unseen force and all she could do was drive. So, she did. Around the complex parking lot, over and over again, for almost half an hour. She attempted to reason with herself that she was overreacting, that her imagination had been running wild and she just needed to take a deep breath and come back down to earth. She really did know all this was true, but she couldn’t explain where her head was at, why her emotions had taken over full control and she couldn’t talk her way out of her erratic behavior.

She finally tried calling Ben’s phone, knowing he would have it turned up in case of an emergency. When he picked up after the fourth ring, his groggy voice broke her down again. She began crying relentlessly, trying to apologize in between bitter sobs, begging him not to hate her for abandoning them in the middle of the night, asking him to help her, to fix her, make it all better. His awareness slowly came to life and once he was alert enough to comprehend what she was saying, he sprang into action. Leaping out of the bed, he started gathering up their daughter’s necessities in her diaper bag, stuffing a few diapers, wipes, an extra blanket and a lovey inside. Then he gingerly lifted their sleeping child out of the crib and cradled her in his arms as he slung the bag over his shoulder, phone pressed to his ear, and headed towards the front door.

“It’s ok, sweetheart. I need you to calm down. Where are you, baby? Tell me where you are, we’re coming to get you, ok?” But Rey was hyperventilating and hiccupping now, unable to speak with her pitiful blubbering. He didn’t need her to answer, though. As soon as he headed towards the parking lot, he saw her, parked in their normal space, melting down in the driver’s seat with the engine still running. He gently got in on the passenger side, careful not to stir the baby as he closed the door. He shifted slightly so he could drag Rey close to him, ignoring the center console that was jabbing into his side. He held her as she let everything out, freely letting all the tears and tremors that had overcome her pass through until her body finally stilled against him, occasionally sniffling and letting out deep, shuddered sighs that caught her breath. They sat together for a long time in the silence. At some point, they eventually went back inside, and the next day was spent with Ben holding Rey every chance he could, only letting go of her when meals had to be prepped or the baby needed attending too. That was the first, and last time Rey ever tried to run from him.

 

* * *

 

Ben knew he wasn’t a good man. Before Rey, he could be downright nasty. He’d had a rocky relationship with his family for most of his life. The dynamic between him and his father was the worst. There were times he’d truly hated the man. It wasn’t until Rey came into his life and turned it upside down that he started viewing things through her eyes. Her beautiful, hopeful eyes. Rey never had the chance to hate her family. She didn’t know what it was like to be sick of expectations, or to feel guilt when she screwed up and disappointed her parents. But Ben had never known what it was like to have nobody to love him at all. To believe in him enough to have expectations in the first place.

The first “fight” they’d ever really had happened while they were dating. They’d only been together for a couple of months, but he already knew he was going to make her his wife one day. He was in his first year of college and she was in her senior year of high school. Things at home were growing increasingly frustrating for him, and he was ready to get out. His parents owned a home-based business, and they had converted their garage into an office when he was just a little kid. He could barely remember what it looked like before that. Being your own boss had its advantages. Being the bosses’ son meant never having to actually work at getting a job. They weren’t privileged by any means, but Ben’s first job was practically handed to him on a silver platter.

The problem with being so dependent on your own parents, however, was that you never gained the experience to go out into the world and truly be your own person. He was sick of rules and curfews and being told what to do every minute of the day. All his focus lately was on Rey. His parents expressed concern. They felt perhaps Ben and Rey’s relationship wasn’t an entirely healthy one. She clung to him for dear life whenever he brought her home to visit. It was clear she’d been starved for love her whole life. But he was obsessed with her, and he constantly coddled and pampered her. They were young and unprepared for life’s unpredictability. Han and Leia didn’t think they could make it if they jumped off the deep end and rushed into a life-long commitment at this point in their life.

But Ben was convinced otherwise. Rey was the reason he got out of bed every morning, and the only one who could keep his impulsiveness at bay. He’d been known to have temperamental outbursts on occasion. When he was a teenager, he’d gone through some dark periods of deep depression, and he was no stranger to suicidal thoughts. Not that he ever opened up to his parents about it, but they got to see the outward effects. His disrespectful behavior. Hanging out with the wrong crowd and frequently getting into trouble. They had to admit that when he first introduced them to Rey, they were shocked, but pleasantly surprised. They weren’t expecting someone whose personality was in stark contrast to their son’s. She was full of life, bubbly and vibrant, and seemed to cast light everywhere she went. And the way Ben looked at her. He worshipped her. It was as if everything she touched instantly turned to gold.

They loved her as if she were their own. And they saw how good she was for Ben. But they also worried for her. They were afraid that, while she was the best thing that had ever happened to their son, he may not be the best thing for her. They understood that you can’t just flip a switch and change who you are at the core. And Rey and Ben acted like they couldn’t breath without each other. This is what concerned them most. That they would run off and get married only to have their relationship end in tragedy. They loved their son. And they loved Rey. They didn’t want them to make a heart-breaking mistake. Life was hard, love was harder, and the thought occurred to them that if their love ever blossomed into a family, and they didn’t have a strong foundation to help them ride out the storms, not only would they get hurt, but their future children would get caught in the crossfires.

Leia knew they couldn’t just blindside them with a heavy conversation like that though. So, she tried a softer approach. Ben had been talking about getting his own place for a while now. Leia knew that with their business declining due to the recent recession, they had to make adjustments in order to ensure their financial security. She couldn’t afford to give her son a raise for the work he did for him, even with them letting go a couple of other employees and allowing him to take on more responsibilities. There was no way he could afford to move into his own place, much less support himself, and though he didn’t come out and say it, she knew his ultimate intention was to have Rey move in with him and support her as well. She needed to give him a dose of reality.

She’d attempted to spark the conversation with him a couple of times, but he shut things down before they got anywhere. Han had also tried to reach his son, but Ben was even more closed off to his father than his mother. Finally, after a particularly trying day of working to meet a deadline and Ben’s typical complaints about everything, Leia decided she’d had enough. So, she grabbed a stack of sticky notes off her desk and began writing down numbers and words. She then went into Ben’s room and placed the notes all around, decorating his space in splotches of pale yellow. When he entered his room later, he found the display waiting for him. A sticky note covered the light switch. Electricity: $30 - $60 /mo. Another note stuck to the screen of his laptop. Internet: $40 - $75+ /mo. His phone charger on the floor by his bed had yellow wrapped around the cord. Phone: $60+ /mo.

There was yellow plastered all over his room, listing various amenities and how much they would cost if he was paying for all of it on his own. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, his rage boiling over. He slammed his door into the wall as he stormed out of the room, making a bee line for the backyard, where he knew his mother would be, lounging in her covered swing, sipping on her ice tea as was her habit in the late afternoon once they were done working for the day. He tore into as she sat patiently, her expression stoic throughout his tirade. He demanded an explanation for why she hated him so much, why she couldn’t just support him wanting to make his own way and build a life outside of their home. He accused her of trying to keep him there forever and treating him like a child, refusing to let him grow up.

Once he was done ranting, she calmly responded, correcting his misguided assumptions. She was not trying to keep him at home or ruin his life. On the contrary, she wanted to see him succeed in life become the man she knew he could be. But he couldn’t just skate through life and take whatever he wanted without earning it. He needed to set himself up properly before he could get out on his own and build a life with Rey. She wanted him to finish his education, and get a good job, one where he didn’t have to rely on his parents covering extra expenses for him. A secure career that didn’t hinge on how many clients his parents managed to keep from one year to the next. She wanted him to set goals and motivate himself to obtain them. Up until Rey came into their lives, she felt Ben had lacked any sort of ambition in life. She could see now that he was beginning to dream of a better future, but he had no clue what he needed to do and how hard he would have to work to reach that future.

Ben didn’t want to hear any of this. He was far too gone to listen to reason and wisdom. He had made up his mind. He wanted nothing to do with his parents anymore. He was tired of them interfering and lording their authority over him. He would quit working for them and find another job with ease, and he would leave and never come back. In the heat of the moment, he let out a guttural growl and screamed at Leia. He told his mother to go to hell. And then he brusquely left the house, got into his car, and drove off. He met up with Rey at a park they liked to go to when they hung out. They had spent countless hours talking as they sat on the swings or laid across the bottom of the slide, looking up at the stars.

Tonight, he told Rey everything that had happened between him and his mother. He vented about everything he hated in his life, and how he wished he didn’t have parents at all, because they only ever made things a hundred times more miserable. He was looking for sympathy, but it didn’t take long for him to realize his mistake. Rey tensed up as he talked, holding her in his arms on the slide. She began to push away from him, distancing herself as he continued to complain about his parents. She was several paces away from the slide now, and he followed her as she headed towards the swings, stupidly unaware of the warning signals she was giving off. When he admitted to telling his mother to go to hell, Rey lost it.

She spun around and swung at him so fast, he never saw it coming. She caught his jaw, sending him tumbling to the ground, and before he could recover, she was straddling him, pounding at his chest and shrieking at the top her lungs. She tried to scratch at his face, but he finally managed to grab hold of her wrists and flipped her over so that he was pinning her underneath him. She let out a string of obscenities, calling him every insulting name she could think of. His eyes widened at her uncharacteristic display of violence, not knowing how to respond or what to do to calm her down. After a few moments, she exhausted herself, and he slowly rolled off of her, helping her to sit up. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks, and he cautiously lifted his hand to her face to brush them away.

For the next hour, Rey opened up more than she ever had to anyone about her own childhood. About life in the system, jumping from foster home to foster home. What it was like to cry herself to sleep at night, wishing her parents would come back for her. All the times she’d begged and prayed for her memories to come back. She’d struggled as she got older. It became harder and harder to remember what they looked like, or how their voices sounded. The memories she had were gradually fading, and she would have given anything to get them back. Ben had no idea how blessed he was, and he’d taken it for granted for far too long. He’d rather throw it all away to prove he was right, than to open his eyes and see how much his parents actually cared for him and loved him. They actually gave a damn and wanted to see him doing something great in life, and he spit in their face at every opportunity.

The reality of it all came crashing down on him at once. Her truths kicked him in the gut harder than she ever could have. She drove home the point when she told him that he didn’t deserve his parents, and they certainly deserved better than him. He hung his head in shame as she berated him for the way he had treated him mother. “I don’t care what you think she did wrong, or how angry you are at her. You don’t EVER disrespect your mother, and you don’t scream at her and tell her to go to hell! You are going to admit you were wrong and properly apologize to her. Beg her to forgive you and make things right, because if you don’t, I will NEVER speak to you again.” He sat silently for a few minutes, mulling over her words. He may still be angry with his parents for a lot of things, but one thing he knew for sure, was that he loved Rey more than life itself, and he couldn’t handle her hating him for the rest of their lives. He agreed to fix his mistake. He was sure Rey knew it was more for her than for him and his mother, but once enough time had passed, he’d eventually come to realize how grateful he was for his parents and everything they did for him.

 

* * *

 

Rey didn’t remember much about her parents. She knew they loved her. The few memories she did have were good. For the most part. Sometimes, when they were at their lowest, something would resurface. Something she had forgotten long ago that threatened to tint her view just a little of what life was really like with her family. Today was perhaps the most telling of all, and she felt like she’d been ripped in half by the sudden revelation. It was a normal day for them with the same predictable routine. Just like every other Thursday, Ben had the 5am shift at work, and he’d be home before their oldest two got out of school. Rey had been sick with a sinus infection that week, so she was resting at home with their youngest. Once Ben got the kids, it would be time for the afternoon frenzy.

He loathed Thursdays. They were always in a rush, too many activities to juggle. And on the rare occasion that Rey wasn’t feeling well, it felt nearly impossible to get through. As soon as they came through the door, it was homework time. Ben would have to make an early dinner, something quick for the kids to scarf down before they got ready for gymnastics. This particular Thursday was doubly stressful though, because it was cookie season for their daughter, who was in her second year of girl scouts. She needed to get to her class early, so she could ask her teacher and the staff if they would order some cookies from her. On top of that, their son was in boy scouts and had been bugging Ben all week about helping him with his pinewood derby car they needed to work on. No matter how many times he reminded him they would do it that weekend, the seven-year-old never failed to remind him and ask if they could start early.

Ben could feel himself getting increasingly agitated, and with Rey laying down due to a migraine, she wasn’t there to help keep him calm and collected. It was 4pm now, and his daughter was dancing through the living room, singing in her chipper little voice, sporting her favorite pink and purple leotard, the one with extra sparkles. She had just finished her homework and was entertaining herself as she waited for dinner. Ben was having a pow wow with his son, who was refusing to cooperate with anything today. He had already entered the boys’ shared room twice to find the first-grader sprawled out on the floor amidst dozens upon dozens of legos scattered about the room. He hadn’t even started on his homework yet, and he wasn’t dressed for gymnastics either. When Ben questioned why he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to, he just stared at him blankly, saying he didn’t know.

This wasn’t going to fly today. The gymnastics classes were hour long sessions offset from each other by 30 minutes. Which meant he was dropping the kids off and picking them up back to back. His daughter’s class started first, at 5:30. Then his son would go at 6:00. She would get done at 6:30 and immediately shuffled home to take a shower. Then her brother would be home a little after 7:00 and he’d have to be quick with his shower so that they could be in bed by 8:00. If it weren’t for the fact that their gym was literally next door to the school, which in turn was less than three miles from their house, it would be practically impossible to make it work. Rey had tried to find a better day of the week for them to go at the same time, but all other slots were full. So, this was their maddening routine, and they couldn’t afford to waste time.

Father and son were quickly approaching their breaking point, locked in a battle of wills, and Ben was losing control. Within a matter of minutes, he was grabbing a trash bag and stuffing all the legos he could find into it, threatening to throw them away for good if his son didn’t get his act together and start getting ready for class. This only caused a frenzied outburst, little hands grabbing at Ben’s arm, screeching and begging him to stop as he continued purging the room. Before Ben knew it, they were in a shouting match that lasted for almost forty-five minutes. So, this is what it’s come to. He’s turned into his father, and his own son has already hit the teen rebellion phase.

It took a long time before Rey stirred from her nap to realize what was going on. She’d taken a couple of migraine tablets and wore ear plugs and an eye mask before laying down to help cut down on any bright lights and noises that would aggravate her pain further. The bedroom was dark, window curtains drawn shut and their door was closed, so she was virtually cut off from the rest of the world. It wasn’t until Ben brought the drama into the living room and she heard her son’s tell-tale scream, the one that he used in the middle of a major panic attack, that she was jolted awake and immediately bolted for the bedroom door. She entered the living room just as Ben crossed the threshold into the kitchen, heading towards the garage. Her son was screaming, and Ben snapped, practically growling at him with a vicious bark. Their littlest one was in his sister’s room, both huddled on her bed with wide eyes.

  
Rey instantly entered tiger mom mode, barreling towards Ben, her eyes full of fire as she confronted him harshly. “What the HELL is going on!” “Rey, he has been defying me ever since we got home!” “That doesn’t make any of THIS ok, Ben! What did he do?! Why are you screaming at him?!” “He refuses to do anything I ask him to! He won’t do his homework, he won’t get changed, I haven’t even started dinner! He’s having a freaking meltdown and I can’t handle him anymore!” “If you KNOW it’s a meltdown than why the hell are you doing this? Since when has screaming and threatening EVER worked, Ben?! You are making things WORSE!” “What the hell am I supposed to do Rey?! How am I supposed to get through to him?!” “NOT. LIKE. THIS.”

She knew this was getting them nowhere, and their son had already retreated to his room, slamming the door and crying hysterically, no doubt crouched into a corner, rocking back and forth while hugging his knees. This was not the first time they’ve had to handle a sensory meltdown, and it wouldn’t be the last. Most of the time, Ben was more level-headed. He had been there for every evaluation and consultation. He understood how challenging it was going to be, raising a child with special needs. He sometimes struggled to grasp how differently their son’s brain was wired, especially when all his triggers seemed to reset every day. What was ok one day would be intolerable the next. He was in a constant state of flux, seeking and avoiding stimulation, self-stimming when he wasn’t getting enough input, and shrinking away from any form of affection or physical touch when he went into sensory overload. He didn’t understand himself, and that only made him more frightened and wary of the world around him.

Ben was fuming, and Rey refused to back down. She was past the point of caring about anything but her kids. We will not cut our children on our broken edges. This had always been their code, and she refused to let Ben destroy his relationship with his children. They were supposed to be better than this. They had been through places worse than hell over the years, and she’d be damned if she let him continue this downward spiral, reverting to the person he used to be before she met him. She straightened her spine, bracing herself against his wrath. Her face showed no hint of emotion aside from resolute determination as she narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice, enunciating each word with an icy tone. “This is NOT how we handle things. Get out.” “WHAT?! Are you seriously doing this right now?!” “Get. Out.” “No! I have to make dinner. Gymnastics starts in half an hour.” “Forget dinner. You need to leave.” “Why? I’m not going anywhere.” “Because this is not OK, Ben. Leave. Please.” “NO.” “GET. OUT!”

She pointed to the front door, eyes locked on him as he clenched his fists. “You are going to leave, now. You are going to get yourself under control, and you are NOT coming back until you’re ready to fix things. This is NOT how we do things, Ben! WE DO NOT CUT OUR CHILDREN ON OUR BROKEN EDGES! He doesn’t deserve this. None of them do.” She lowered her voice and spoke one last time. “And you don’t deserve him.” She knew those words would cut, but she also knew that sometimes, the only way to get through to him was with brutal honesty, no matter how painful it might be. He glared at her for another minute, before finally stomping towards the front door. He let out an ear-splitting roar as he slammed the door behind him. Rey felt her heart drop to her stomach.

 

* * *

 

 

A memory resurfaced from the depths of her subconscious. She was three. Maybe four. She had been playing in her room when the shouts started. She tip-toed through the hallways and peeked around the corner. Her room was on the opposite side of the house. Her parent’s room was separated from everything else. The hallway led into the living room, and from there you had to turn left to get to the kitchen. The garage door was on the far side of the kitchen, and the door to the master bedroom was just a few feet further along the wall. She had no idea what was going, but whatever it was, it was loud. She inched her way towards the kitchen, hoping to get close enough to hear what was being said.

Before she was even halfway across the kitchen, the door flew open and she jumped back, eyes as big as saucers. Her dad towered in the doorway, the look on his face sending a chill down her spine. He didn’t even look at her, ignoring her presence as he headed towards the garage door, jerking it open forcefully. Her mother followed him out of the room, crying hysterically, begging him not to leave as he punched the door opener and made his way to his car. Less than a minute later he was gone, leaving his sobbing wife and alarmed daughter in their suddenly too small kitchen.

She didn’t know what to do. The air around her felt too thick to breath. Something was very wrong. Her father was leaving them, and she didn’t know what she’d done wrong. But she wasn’t the one who made him angry. Her mother did. She must have done something. Said something to make him leave. Rey’s limited logic and understanding of the world told her that if her daddy was mad at her mommy, it was because her mommy did something mean, and she was the one to blame. Her mother was suddenly aware that she was in the room, gaping at the scene that had just unfolded. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and turned her attention to her daughter, whose own eyes were now glistening, threatening to brim and overflow. She held out her arms and called Rey to her. “Come here, baby. Can mommy hold you? Come let mommy hold you.”

She doesn’t know why she reacted the way she did. She wished she could take it back the second she took action. But she was just a child and didn’t know better. She had no idea how badly she would hurt her mother. She suddenly panicked, unexplainable rage building inside of her and she screamed at the top of her lungs. “NO! I HATE YOU!!!” She then ran back to her room, slamming the door and diving onto her bed, burying her face in her pillow as the tears flowed freely. She could still hear her mother in the kitchen. She shamefully listened to her broken cries for what felt like an eternity.

Her dad eventually came back, several hours after the incident. He and her mom retreated into their room, talking in hushed tones behind the closed door. When they came out again, her mother was quiet and reserved, but no longer emotionally distressed. Her father entered the kitchen and grabbed a bag of popcorn to toss in the microwave. He announced that he had rented a movie while he was out, and they were going to have a family night. Neither one of them spoke to her about anything that had taken place before. It was as though nothing had ever happened, and they spent the rest of the night laughing and carrying on, enjoying the film and buttery treat. She never got the chance to apologize to her mother. She was so upset with herself for how she had broken her heart, at least, she thought she broke her heart. By the time she was at an age where she could really understand what had happened, her parents had already been gone for years. It was, perhaps, the biggest regret of her life.

 

* * *

 

Rey went to her oldest son first. He was, as expected, in the far corner of his room, staring off into space with a forlorn look on his face. She knelt down beside him and gently ran her fingers through his hair. “I had a bad day.” His tone was monotonous and detached, and she could feel pangs in her chest, causing her to cringe slightly. “I know, baby.” She met his apathetic state of mind with calm empathy, hoping her soothing presence could help pull him out of that resigned, hopeless hideout he retreated to inside his mind after one of his manic episodes.

“Daddy hates me.” She pulled him into a firm hug. “No, sweetheart. He doesn’t hate you.” He hung his head dejectedly. “He took my legos away.” She sighed. “I’ll get them back. But first, we need to talk, ok?” He nodded faintly. “What happened today? Why were you having trouble listening? Daddy said you wouldn’t follow any of his instructions.” “I don’t know…” “Can you tell me what you did wrong?” “I didn’t do my homework… or get dressed for my class.” “Why not? You love homework. You’re the best student in your class. You don’t even like to miss school when you’re sick.” “I don’t know… I just didn’t do it.” “Is there anything else going on you’d like to talk about?” He paused for a moment, considering what to say next. But he was still too closed off from her. He shook his head instead. She kissed his temple and squeezed him tenderly. “Ok, baby. We don’t have to talk anymore. Do you want to come watch TV with me?” He shook his head again. “Alright. I’m going to go check on sissy and bubba, ok?” “Ok.”

She carefully got up and headed towards her daughter’s room. She paused at the sound of her youngest sobbing in the living room. He was leaning over the couch, facedown in the cushions, his favorite blankie spread across the carpet and the couch arm as he fisted the edge of it tightly. She looked in on her daughter, who was quietly playing with her stuffed animals on her bed. She didn’t appear to be upset or unhappy, so Rey decided to let her be for the moment and focus on her other son. She crossed the room and placed a hand on his little back. “What’s wrong, baby?” He wailed into the couch. “Daddy left!” She lifted him up and faced him towards her. “He’ll be back. I promise.” He continued to cry. “Will you come lay down with mommy? I’ll hold you.” She lightly grabbed his hand and led him towards her bedroom. He didn’t resist.

She helped him climb up on the bed as he held tightly to his blanket. She crawled in next to him and wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on the top of his head. He stopped sobbing after several minutes and began to pull away, trying to escape her arms. “You don’t want to stay with mommy?” He shook his head. “Are you going back to the living room?” “Yes.” He slid off the side of the bed. She sat up and continued to question him. “Do you want me to come with you?” “No.” “Are you still upset?” “Yes.” “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” “I’m sad.” “Because daddy left?” “Yes.” “What else do you feel?” He thought for a moment, his brows knitting together. He looked so much like his daddy. He finally replied. “Mad.” “Mad? At who?” He looked down at the floor without responding. Rey already knew the answer. “At me?” “Yes.” “Why?” “You made daddy leave.” And there it was. The shattering blow. That dreadful memory she hated came flooding back and she felt as though her heart had been physically ripped from her chest. She tried to explain to him, knowing he wouldn’t understand. She tried anyways. “Daddy needed a break to calm down. He wasn’t being very nice. I promise he’ll come back.” She reached out to pick him up again, but he backed away, shaking his head. She knew she had lost this fight, so she let him go. Once he was out of the room, she laid her head on her pillow and shed silent tears, swallowing painfully as her chest constricted over and over again.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben had driven around for about half an hour, heading in no particular direction. Like clockwork, he ended up back in their driveway once he’d gone through all his stages of working through his anger. At first, he’d screamed like a wild animal, pounding his fists against the steering wheel and cursing profusely. Then, he turned on his go-to, heavy metal playlist when he needed to blow off steam. As he began commute to nowhere, he allowed himself to stew on his anger. After a few songs though, he was finally ready to think through everything that had happen, analyzing every interaction, trying to pinpoint exactly when things got out of hand. He knew his son didn’t just meltdown without provocation. Something had triggered his behavior. He was a good kid. He loved school. Gymnastics was an outlet for him. A place to burn off energy and satisfy his craving for sensory input.

Ben realized he was wrong, even though he hated to admit it. He had to start from the very beginning if he was going to figure out where he messed up and how to fix it. He thought back to when he first picked up the kids in the carpool line. They were excitedly chattering about their day. His daughter wanted to show him her latest art project, and his son got to pick a prize from the prize chest for acing another spelling test. They couldn’t wait to get home and show mommy, and they babbled back and forth with each other, talking about gymnastics and whose turn it was to check the mail. He hadn’t been paying close attention if he was being honest. He was already planning out what needed to be done before bedtime in his head. Cooking, laundry, chauffeuring the kids back and forth and he would need to go fill up the van and drop by the bank some point soon.

He vaguely remembered his son asking if they could go get pizza. It was almost the weekend, and he’d been on his best behavior, slowly filling his marble jar with marbles for good days so he could earn game time and treats. They normally got to cash in their marbles for rewards on Fridays, once school was done for the week. But there was going to be a special event at the school tomorrow evening for their annual book fair, and he didn’t want to miss out on the festivities or forgo his earned treat. In his mind, it never occurred to him that he could wait until Saturday to request a privilege. It wouldn’t be special if it was something they could already do any other weekend.

They had the new Jurassic World movie recorded on their DVR, and he had been waiting for almost a month to watch it. Rey always made sure to screen those kinds of movies first. She was always worried that something would trigger an episode for him, so the rule was that she and Ben would watch something first before deciding whether or not it would be ok. They weren’t exactly strict with what they let their kids watch, they just understood that their son processed things differently, and what might seem trivial to most turn into a colossal panic attack for him. There were times when his behavior would stay erratic for days, even weeks, and it took everything they had to help him deprogram and reset.

But he had done well with the Marvel movies, and after trying out the original Jurassic series with him, they determined that he could probably handle this one as well. So, he had kept a countdown weeks ago when he found out about the school book fair/carnival. He knew exactly how many marbles he needed to earn for his movie and pizza, and he’s always been a prodigy when it came to remembering dates. He could tell his parents the date and day of the week a specific movie would premiere, and he would memorize exactly which theaters would be showing it and what times, so he could convince them to take him. He was a brilliant kid. Everything he did had a purpose.

However, he did not do well with plan changes and transitions. It almost always resulted in a meltdown when they had to cancel plans, improvise, or unexpectedly redirect from their original course. This time was no different. It was though a lightbulb suddenly went off in Ben’s head. He’d listened to his obsessively methodical child spout his strategically organized idea for over two weeks now. He’d brought it up at least once a day, even while his parents were too busy to give him their undivided attention. Instead, they absentmindedly nodded, giving him a distracted “mhmm” or a dismissive “sure, we’ll see”, but never truly hearing him. He’d told them exactly what he wanted. A pizza night where they got to eat in the living room with food trays, a rare thing for them, so they could watch the movie he’d picked, and then maybe his dad could work with him on his derby car for scouts afterwards in their garage.

Ben groaned and cursed himself with the revelation. This was all his fault and he screwed up bad. He’d already planned to cook up some meat that had been thawing in the fridge, so his automatic response to the pizza request was no. When his son had pushed it, he snapped at him out of frustration. He’d already told him no, and he didn’t like to be challenged after he’d made a decision. But his son wasn’t intentionally defying him. He thought he had been promised pizza and a movie night weeks ago. He’d reminded his parents every day and he didn’t understand that they weren’t really acknowledging him when they nodded and gave him subconscious approval. He just wanted to spend time with them, with Ben, in the only way he knew how to relate to his neurotypical father.

And Ben had let his rage get the best of him over something as inconsequential as a page of homework that he knew his son could complete in five minutes. It was something he didn’t even get graded on. It was an extra work packet for students who completed their normal work in class. He had failed as a father today. Rey was right. He didn’t deserve such a wonderful, sensitive boy. He was worse than his own dad. And if that weren’t bad enough, he’d also betrayed his wife. He hadn’t honored their vows and promises to each other. He didn’t deserve her anymore than he deserved his children. He knew what he had to do. He had to be better. He had to make things right.

 

* * *

 

Rey knew when he entered the house, because her littlest one immediately ran to the door to greet him with an enthusiastic “DADDY!”. She felt her heart skip a beat as she tensed up, instantly on edge, unsure of what sort of mood he would be in. Her pillow was still damp, tear stains soaking through. She let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes, unable to collect herself enough to face him again. She had honestly wondered if he would come back at all. The voice in her head that she’d spent years blocking out had found a crack in her mental wall to creep through, and it was spinning old lies that she had laid to rest long ago, telling her he would abandon her, that she wasn’t worth fighting for, that he’d never truly loved her, not the way a husband should. His love was conditional, and he couldn’t handle her brokenness on top of his own. Not to mention that having a child who had to conquer so many challenges was too much for him. The fact that their son had to try twice as hard to accomplish what other kids his age could do in their sleep caused stress on all of them. She just wanted what was best for her family, and she believed Ben did too, but perhaps he was finally done losing an uphill battle.

He entered the room after a moment, and she could feel him standing in the doorway. He slowly made his way towards her side of the bed, and her eyes began to tear up once again. She rolled over in an attempt to prevent him from seeing her face. He pressed a hand to her back, causing her to recoil. “Baby.” His voice was low and pained. She flinched. “Sweetheart. Please talk to me.” She shook her head, a sob involuntarily escaping her. He hesitated before speaking again, sighing heavily. “I’m sorry.” She made no effort to acknowledge him. He slid his arm underneath her, sliding onto the bed behind her. She couldn’t hold back anymore and burst into tears. He pulled her close, caressing her hair and whispering softly into her ear. “You were right. I don’t deserve them… and I don’t deserve you. There’s no excuse for the way I treated you. The way I treated all of you. I was so wrapped up in my own emotions. I didn’t listen. It’s all my fault. I broke a promise to our son. He asked if we could get pizza tonight. I told him no. It wasn’t the first time he’d asked. We’ve been so busy lately, and I dropped the ball. I don’t blame you for being angry with me. Just please… talk to me. Let me fix it. Please.”

He waited patiently for her to calm down, and after a few moments, she rasped out quietly. “We’re just like my parents.” He blinked, confused by her statement. “What do you mean?” “I remembered something. From when I was little. A fight my parents had once.” Ben sat up and shifted so he could look into Rey’s eyes. “What did you remember? What happened?” She stared at him with sullen eyes and somberly revealed what had been weighing heavily on her. “When I was a toddler, I think… maybe the same age as the baby, my parents had a horrible fight. I remember my dad leaving. He was so angry. And then my mom… she was crying. She just wanted to hold me… I didn’t know. I thought… I thought she made him leave…” Ben ran his fingers through her hair and she started sobbing again. “Shh. It’s ok. Tell me, sweetheart. What happened?” She took a deep breath and continued with a whisper. “I told her I hated her… I was so scared. And angry. I saw it all, it happened so fast. I didn’t understand what was going on. I just thought it was her fault and I ran away from her. I never got to tell her I was sorry…”

Rey turned away from him, but he refused to let her retreat further into herself. “It’s not your fault. You were a baby. You had no idea what was going on. Your mom knew that.” She snapped her head towards him, her expression grief-stricken. “Ben… he didn’t want anything to do with me. Our baby hates me.” Ben shook his head. “That’s not true. Why would you think that?” “He cried when you left. I asked him why. He said he was sad. Because you left. I just knew… everything came back to me, and I knew, in my heart. It was like seeing my mom through his eyes… I asked him if he felt anything else. He said he was mad. At me. Because I made you leave…” Ben gave her an anguished look. His heart was breaking for her. He needed to reassure her and let her know that this was not the same as her memory. “No, baby. That’s not true. He doesn’t hate you. He’s only four. He didn’t know. He isn’t you and you aren’t your mom. He’s confused and all of you are hurting, because of me. I’m the one who screwed up, and I’m the one you should all be angry with. I’ll talk to him. I can make this right.”

She buried her head in her hands. “What happened, Ben? What happened to us? We were supposed to be better. We made a promise to them and we’ve failed. You and I… we have too many broken edges. Too much damage. How are we any better than our parents? We’re just as bad. Maybe worse…” Ben moved her hands away from her face, replacing them with his own as he gently lifted her head and pressed his forehead to hers. “Rey. We are NOT our parents. And we haven’t failed our kids. We’ve made mistakes, but that doesn’t make us worse than anyone. We are better, Rey. Not because we never screw up or break promises. We’re better because we admit our mistakes. We’re better because we fix things. We’re BETTER because we know we’re broken, and we still try anyways. Our broken edges don’t make us failures, Rey. Our broken edges make us BETTER.”

She pulled back slightly, staring at him with uncertainty as she intently searched his eyes. “How do you know? How can you be sure we haven’t harmed them too much already?” Ben kissed her forehead and drew her into his embrace. “Because our children are strong and resilient. They know we love them. Listen, Rey. Do you hear them right now? They’re playing out there, in the living room. I went and bought pizza. They’ve forgotten what happened earlier. I already told them we would stay home tonight and watch a movie. And we won’t just brush things off. We’ll sit down together, as a family, and we’ll talk. We’ll make things better and they won’t be broken. Not because of us. We’re going to fix things and we’ll continue to be better. I can’t guarantee we won’t have more bad days in the future, but I promise you, we’ll get through them.

He let her go and got up from the bed, offering his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her to the edge of the bed. As she stood, he wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her into him once again. “We aren’t alone anymore, Rey, and I am never leaving you. Just promise me you won’t give up on us. Don’t leave me. Don’t go away, baby. I need you. I know I’m not a good husband or father. I know I don’t deserve you. The only thing I’m good at is hurting you. But I refuse to give up. I won’t let you slip away. We know each other better than we know ourselves. I’m not going to let you blame yourself. You know I know you sometimes think we’d be better off without you. And you know I’ve had those thoughts about myself before too. But we need to hold on. Please, don’t let go. The only way to do right by them is to stay. Stay and keep trying.”

Ben kissed her passionately, holding her close. He broke away after a moment and whispered in her ear. “Please. Stay. We’ll keep trying.” Rey lifted her hand to his cheek and returned his kiss, pressing her lips gingerly to his. She let out a shuddered breath, a few tears still trailing down her cheek. Then she nodded faintly and murmured a response. “Ok… ok…” They leaned in for another kiss just as their bedroom door burst open, and three little heads popped into view. Ben and Rey turned their attention to the giggling gang of intruders. Before they knew what was happening, three pairs of arms and legs were tumbling forward and tackling them from every angle. They collapsed to the floor in a tangled mess of limbs, laughing and hugging. This. This was worth fighting for. These were the moments that made them stronger. For all their faults and mistakes, they always fixed things in the end. Rey understood now that Ben was right. They would never fail their children as long as they kept trying. Their broken edges made them better.


End file.
